Gender and Sexuality: As an Expression (Pilot Blog)
Gender and Sexuality as an 'Expression'
This halloween I decided to make my debut of my new persona 'Shaunice'. This character was a physical embodiment of my refusal to care for people's opinions and views of Trans / Non-Binary Fxlk. People who have made me feel like I cannot be myself, who have violated my space and destroyed my trust; this is what self-recovery looks like with a bit of help from some real amazing humxn beings. I have been on a massive and reflective journey with my gender expression and sexuality. When I was 14 years old I came out to my mother. I explained to my mother that I had no interest in being with a male. She smiled and replied: "I knew.. we all knew." I always play that line in my head because my mum almost pre-downloaded my queerness whilst she carried me for 9 months. Halloween is an unsafe space for people who identify as TRANS, NON-BINARY especially POC individuas because we face a discrimination of dual levels; racial and homophobic or transphobic forms of dsicrimination. When I put this look together with the help of my friends; I really felt like I could possiibly feel dysphoric, break down and cry or liberate in the moment of amazingness. I experienced something new yesterday something I never thought I would feel and that's SUPERIOR. I Terr Corrodus created a look that not only paid homage to some of my favourite female rhymers and icons but also page homage to myself. The last time I created a look similar to this would be the 'extinction rebellion: Marble Arch'. It was in 22nd April 2019 and I was joined by a close friend, Dani who is a freelance performer and an amazing make-up creative; we had a picket sign saying; "Climate change is nothing but a drag!!." The response I recieved from my look was largely positive as was my outfit for Halloween last night. But the main point that was made was the fact that I was at the time a self identifying Transgender Male who was frolocking in central London.
Extinction Rebellion, April 2019. The moment of liberation began here.The main problem is people don't like the idea of a Trans male expressing his or their gender identity if it has some connatations with feminine traits. It isn't a conversation that is had often and I think it should be. When I saw some of the messages; I saw that the common viewpoint that it is not okay to come out as a Transgender Male and express any femininity because it goes against the traditional trope of being masculine all the time because I told someone my pronouns are he, him. As inspired by my journey as I am; the one thing I shouldn't of done was act like it's ok to ignore something within me because it doesn't essentially relate to the heteronormative ideology of being a transman and only being masculine and or being transwoman only being feminine. I am sick of people telling me what I need to do or how to behave or dress. This is not a reality for all transmen but for those who identify as femme trans boys or more feminine; it is a constant battle trying to be seen as people.
Trauma and patience share the same parent, their name is acceptance. The denial I faced when I was sexually violated at a party made me feel like I was doing something wrong by accepting it happened. I felt like because I had been raped beforewhen I was 18/19, I was basically at fault but if I am clearly intoxicated and can barely open my eyes then I won't be able to consent. That is why this Halloween is a tough one for me; a year has gone by since that party and I won't go into the details but I am still healing from it; I am constantly changing and
Halloween this year was about liberating myself from the social norms that are placed on transmen as though we must all behave like cisgendered men and that is not true; being TRANSGENDER is about being to you're most authentic self nothing more than that.
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Me on a regular tuesday, Tate Modern. London.
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